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Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love

Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love

Penned By Dorothy Tennov
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Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love

Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love

Penned By Dorothy Tennov
4.85 34,121 Ratings
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Editor's Note:
Author Dorothy Tennov, Ph.D., on Love and Limerence:It was over 35 years ago that, having become convinced through personal experience and the writings of others of the enormous significance of that aspect of the human reproductive process known as romantic love, I elected to explore the subject systematically.My journey of exploration occurred in three identifiable phases. During the first phase, the Phase of Wandering and Wondering Through Questionnaires and Testimonials, I was primarily involved in other topics, but the "love cards" assessments, in which students anonymously selected statements that applied to them and rejected those that did not, and the paper and pencil surveys submitted to groups continued to supply evidence of the importance of the topic, and of its prevalence, but I had not advanced beyond Shakespeare in understanding. Toward the end of that first phase, my emphasis had begun to shift from answers to questions posed by an investigator to the collection of personal testimonies, those of volunteers as well as those of published autobiographers, novelists, and historians. Transition to the second phase, the Phase of Limerence, was abrupt. It happened in the fall of 1973. Earlier that year I had presented the first formal paper on the subject at the meetings of the American Psychological Association. That paper, titled "Sex differences in romantic love among college students," was based entirely on questionnaire results. There were sex differences in pencil and paper reports, but, as I was later to learn, examination of the details of the experience revealed more sex similarities than differences in the phenotypical experience. The discovery, later that year, of people who had not, did not and apparently could not imagine themselves having the experience that I was describing, marked a turning point. By the time of a second formal paper in 1977, I had arrived at the conceptions found in Love and Limerence, and had begun to write the book. The third phase began with the publication of Love and Limerence. It was the Phase of Confirmation. Love and Limerence was based largely on interviews that exposed the weakness of paper and pencil assessments. The words of love admitted of different meanings. New data in the form of voluntary written testimonials poured in from readers of the book. Many of these letters used the same "What you describe is exactly what happened to me." Others thanked me for allowing them to know that they were not alone, that as crazy as the condition was, it was not a sign of mental ill-health, but a normal phenomenon. The state was one of madness, but the person undergoing the experience was not (necessarily) mad. In hindsight, it should not seem surprising to the human nature scientist that there should be built into us through evolution control over reproductive functioning that supercedes other motivations. According to what I refer to as Limerence Theory, limerence is an interaction between the feelings of one person and the actions of another. It appears to occur across sexual, racial, age, cultural, and other categories of humans and it endures as long as do the conditions that sustain it. When intense, it crowds other motives out of the psyche. It should be noted that Limerence is not synonymous with meanings customarily attached to the term "infatuation." Furthermore, and most importantly, it is entirely absent in some relationships and in some people. Finally, in my judgment, both limerence and nonlimerence represent normal functioning. Limerence presents problems for the modern individual, causing inattention to other aspects of life, especially to responsibilities and to other relationships. Limerence for someone other than the spouse is a major cause of marital and family disruption. Furthermore, the limerent's behavior may hinder rather than enhance a relationship with the desired person if a response in kind does not occur. When frustrated, limerence may produce such severe distress as to be life threatening. People's reaction to Limerence Theory depends partly on their acquaintance with the evidence for it and partly on personal experience. People who have not experienced limerence are baffled by descriptions of it and sometimes resistant to the evidence that it exists. To such outside observers, limerence seems pathological. Although often the subject of romantic poetry and fiction, it has been called an addiction, an indication of low self-esteem, irrational, neurotic, erotomanic, and delusional. To people who are unacquainted with it first-hand, it inconceivable that any person should assign so much importance to another person. Fortunately, direct experience is not necessary to someone who reads the evidence. There are many scientifically known phenomena that are not directly perceivable. Although self-report is traditionally regarded with suspicion by scientists, reports ...

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Released January 1, 1979
Identifier (ISBN) 1398830
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Dorothy Tennov
The Mind Behind the Work
Dorothy Tennov

Dorothy Tennov is the author of several novels. Originally from the East Coast, they now live in the Midwest with family. In addition to writing, Dorothy Tennov enjoys gardening, cooking, and reading way past bedtime. Their work often explores the complexities of everyday life and human relationships.

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"Honestly one of the most premium reading experiences lately. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. I am now a lifelong fan of this author."
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"I was completely blown away. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre."
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"A profoundly satisfying read. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. I am now a lifelong fan of this author."
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"I was completely blown away. It strikes a perfect harmony of dialogue and world-building. Every chapter felt necessary. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece."
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"A profoundly satisfying read. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. I am now a lifelong fan of this author."
Mary Hernandez
Mary Hernandez January 07, 2025
"Masterpiece from start to finish. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. A true literary gem."
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"Honestly one of the most premium reading experiences lately. The pacing was impeccable and the characters felt incredibly authentic. I was completely immersed. An effortless 5 stars."
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George Phillips
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"I was completely blown away. I adored how the story unfolded. It kept me captivated without sacrificing elegance. A true literary gem."
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"A highly sophisticated read. The middle had a deliberate pace, but the climax was phenomenal. A very distinguished novel."
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Nicholas Reyes
Nicholas Reyes February 10, 2024
"A profoundly satisfying read. The author orchestrated a breathtaking finale. Truly a work of art. An absolute must-read for connoisseurs of the genre."
Sharon Gonzalez
Sharon Gonzalez October 08, 2024
"A highly sophisticated read. The middle had a deliberate pace, but the climax was phenomenal. Quite impressive overall."
Donna Martinez
Donna Martinez August 23, 2025
"Excellent, though slightly flawed. It held my rapt attention, even when certain twists were telegraphed. Quite impressive overall."
Rebecca Moore
Rebecca Moore April 08, 2024
"Not entirely to my refined tastes. Certain acts were fascinating, while others felt like a slight endeavor to complete. Perhaps more aligned with a different audience's tastes."
Brian Phillips
Brian Phillips June 03, 2025
"Exceeded all my expectations. I became deeply invested in the protagonist's journey. A masterclass in storytelling. I will undoubtedly revisit this masterpiece."
Emily  Davis
Emily Davis September 14, 2025
"I was completely blown away. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. An effortless 5 stars."
Linda Nguyen
Linda Nguyen February 23, 2024
"Took a moment to build, but the payoff was spectacular. Beautiful writing, though I craved slightly more depth in the lore. Still, undeniably engaging. Quite impressive overall."
Paul Smith
Paul Smith August 01, 2025
"I thoroughly enjoyed the elegance of it. The protagonist was compelling, though some subplots felt slightly overshadowed. Quite impressive overall."
Donna Torres
Donna Torres March 31, 2024
"Absolutely brilliant. I adored how the story unfolded. It kept me captivated without sacrificing elegance. An effortless 5 stars."
George Walker
George Walker October 23, 2025
"Exceeded all my expectations. The prose is exquisite. It’s accessible yet undeniably sophisticated. Worth every moment spent reading."
Paul Wright
Paul Wright May 19, 2025
"A very strong entry. A brilliant concept executed with flair. Just a few pacing choices I would change. A very distinguished novel."
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